Why you can’t force anyone to change

I thought that by giving someone sound advice, constantly teaching and mentoring can help someone change for the better. I thought that pointing out someone’s flaws and nicely or aggressively poking on it can make that person wake up to the need of a transformation. 

However people have simply gotten used to their ways. They don’t even know what they do, look bad to others. Most of the time their actions don’t have ill intentions so they aren’t aware that they can be hurtful. They may even think those that react about their actions are just too sensitive. In fact they can even think that everyone just does’t understand them. That’s when they get more rebellious and “obnoxious.” Since sinasabi nila na ganun ako, sige totohanin ko na lang! They become more of what they should’ve changed. I suppose nobody likes having fingers pointed at them. I know I don’t, it feels suffocating. When this happens, a person feels na “ang hard niyo naman saakin.” Being pointed at will only increase someone’s defenses and rest assured you won’t be considered an ally anymore, you’ll be seen as an enemy. Everyone thinks they’re right, so you pointing out that they’re wrong will only increase your gap.

After spending much time inside jail where constant reflections run through my head, I realized that we  ,outside forces, cannot make anyone change. We can complain about it, rant about someone’s bad habits and deeds, even tell on them all the time but that will simply be noise to a closed heart and mind. We cannot enforce anyone to see what we see unless they are willing and ready to change. Now I get when parents constantly advise children, though important, kids tend to receive it as a broken record being played over and over again. Only when children go through tough experiences that they realize their parents were right. 

So what can a person do to let someone change? As hard as it sounds, let them experience the difficulties of life. Let them do things that will allow them to feel embarrassed. Let them get punishments for their mistakes and let them feel how hard it is to correct what they’ve done. Allow them to go through the roller coaster of self-correcting. You’d be surprised that this is more effective than endless lectures. 

You’ve done your job constantly reminding and guiding. You cannot hold it against a person for not accepting it immediately. We all have our timing and levels of understanding. Lucky for you if the one you’re trying to hone listens and absorbs immediately what you’re trying to improve within that person. It only means they’re ready for it and are changeable. I stopped complaining about someone’s speed in getting my point. We’re just all different. Even our background and the way we were brought up can be worlds apart.. Expecting someone to change immediately will only disappoint you. So be patient with the person and listen to where they’re coming from. Perhaps you’ll have a more deeper understanding of that person.

So do you have opinions and suggestions as to how you can help others change and improve? 

Do share your comments and experiences. I’m sure we can all learn from them.  

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